I haven’t blogged much lately. Heck, I feel like I haven’t done much of anything lately although that’s not the truth. Not much has felt very important or very real except my family. I’ve been trying to hold them a little closer. I had a friend die and it just kind of took all of the wind out of my sails for a bit. As they say time is a great healer. It’s been two months, almost three now, and while I don’t feel remotely normal yet, it gets better.
I’m not even sure why this one hit me so hard. I lost my dad six years ago and it was hard but I’ve always been a trooper. I’m not a very outwardly emotional person. I grieved briefly and then life moved on. I had kids to raise and a house to keep up with. My dad passing is what allowed me to get back into horses because I inherited a little money that got me started. I let the joy of that comfort me.
Steven’s death sent me into a depression unlike anything I went through with my dad. I used to help with a kid’s karate class when I was a teenager. We went to the same gym when he was only 8 and I was 15. We had reconnected as adults. He was 27 when he died and had moved out to North Dakota to learn to be a Certified Nursing Assistant. He liked taking care of people and trying to make their life a little easier. He worked in a retirement/nursing home and I can’t imagine what kind of strength of character it takes to do that. He was the kind of man that still thought it was right to open doors for a lady, to smile, to be kind. He wasn’t obsessed with being part of the ulra-hip twenty something crowd in our area that only thinks about the next bar, the next drink and the next girl. He was a country boy and old fashioned in a way. He wanted a family and to raise his kids in the tradition he was raised with lots of happiness and family around. Steven made me smile every time I saw him. He was in a single car accident on April 28th and now he’s gone. It still feels like some kind of a bad joke.
I also know he was the kind of man that would never want me to be sad that he died. I spent a week crying almost non-stop; sitting at my desk at work with fat silent tears rolling down my face. I controlled it around my kids mostly but I felt like a zombie going through the motions of life. Every time I cried a certain song came on the radio. It’s one that reminds me of him. I’m not one that really ever gave much thought to whether those we love stay with us in some way but it comforts me to think that he is telling me its okay.
The bright spot in all of this is that I’ve gotten to know Steven’s mother and she inspires me. I now understand his warmth and generosity. She is unfailingly kind in understanding the others who are mourning her son. If I’m able to raise my boys to be half the kind of man I think her son was then I’ll be a proud mom. We’re friends now on Facebook and I got to meet her at the service. I’m glad I got the chance to tell her what an amazing young man her son was. I hope it gives her some comfort during the difficult times.
That being said I’ve started on a story about a horse I’ve been working with. I really hope to get it posted soon. Its been a good experience. I’m learning a lot.